I remember the first day I knew I was pregnant. My stomach would’t settle. I had this terrible indigestion that made me feel nauseous. No amount of Tums would settle it. A test said negative but I knew otherwise. That was just the first of the annoying symptoms that followed me around for 9 months.
In that two week wait window my mind was racing a million miles per hour. I didn’t feel ready for this – not having any other friends that had babies this was a whole new world I knew nothing about and was riddled with anxiety, fear, worry – none of the happy, excited, joyful feelings I thought I would have when we decided to start a family. Which left me confused. This couldn’t be normal could it? (I later found out it can definitely be normal).
Finally those two little pink lines showed up – and instead of happy tears I cried tears of fear ( I hate admitting it now – because I have been blessed with the most perfect little human and I should of been happy but I said I would be totally honest and at the time I was scared.) And then more annoying little symptoms started. I was lucky not to have a bad pregnancy (aside from the GD) but the indigestion, nausea, extreme fatigue, then came the round ligament and joint pain – and as an athlete not being able to use my body like I was did was strange and unwelcoming.
I tried to hide these feelings deep inside me – I put on a smile because and told myself how lucky we were to be pregnant (and trust me I know how lucky we are and I am thankful everyday) but the more I tried to cover up those other feelings and tell people I was fine with a smile on my face the more lost I felt. I wasn’t being honest with anyone, especially not myself and that made me even more tired.
It was finally at a prenatal workout class where the instructor asked what we have loved most about being pregnant. I was first to go and I just blurted out, ” I haven’t loved anything.” It was the first time I said it out loud and it felt so good to be honest with everyone there as well as with myself. I immediately felt guilty when the very next person answered; “well it took me a long time to get pregnant so I have loved all of it.” – ugh I am such an asshole I thought to myself. But then one person after another agreed with me saying how miserable they have been, how un-magical it was and for the first time in my pregnancy I didn’t feel so alone.
What I am trying to get at here is that you can be excited about the idea of having a baby, but that doesn’t mean you have to be excited about being pregnant. About giving up sushi and wine for 9 months, about waking up every morning with a new pain (and by waking up I mean sleeping for two hours while tossing and turning trying to find a comfortable position), about literally having to fall asleep on the carpet of your office because you are too tired to make it to the bed. Ya none of this is glamorous, or fun, or magical in my opinion (yes I find the process of pregnancy and the fact that we are able to create life magical) but not how I felt in the moment.
So be honest with yourself and with those in your circle. Don’t try and go through this alone my friends.
Oh and lastly just know it will all be worth it – I remember holding that little purple squirmy wormy baby in my arms for the first time and immediately forgot the misery of the past 9 months ( I guess that is how women do it multiple times, they just forget). And while there may have been a moment or two during my pregnancy where I literally told my stomach I hated it ( yes the few moments I regret and blame fully on hormones) everything and I mean everything was worth it when I looked into that little man’s eyes for the first time.
So I promise there is a silver lining at the end of all of this – a love so strong you never knew it could exist and you realize those nine months was just the start of the sacrifices you will make for this human because you will literally do anything for them.
You got this mommas I promise!